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My intensity and pugnacity seem more palatable to them, or less threatening. Perhaps their Europeanness makes them seem temporary—they’re bound to go home—and keeps me from falling in love.I fall in love with the Americans, though, stupidly.

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She and her best friend even stopped talking for a month over a disagreement about something Michael, a Republican, had posted on Facebook."[My friends] said, "Asia, you were so down for the cause." I'm like, "I'm not down for the cause anymore?

I opined behind my hand that it felt super white—My boyfriend lost his shit. When race keeps intruding into your romances, you start to wonder why. I used to think the problem with white men is that they want control, a childish and obvious hankering. But over time, I started to believe that the problem is that they’re unformed, shapeless. Every single one of them wants to own a motorcycle.

Said I had insulted his friends, wouldn’t talk to me for hours, made us leave early. White men have had nothing to battle against or fight for; their identity is this amorphous default.

I have loved several versions of white American men: the dreamboat, the rebel, the intellectual, the artist.

After a while, I start to hate who they all seem to want women to be: easygoing, forgiving, domestic. Eventually I hate them for wanting me to be anything other than myself in the first place. Maybe the question should be: Why do white men choose ? I seem like a winnable game, my difference just enough of an obstacle to make the surmounting fun. Du Bois called “double consciousness.” Du Bois saw that self-consciousness about race as pathological, but he also called it “second sight.” It can be addictive.




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